I’ll Do Anything for Trump, But I Won’t Do That

Theresa May couldn’t be more excited. She’d been granted an audience with the Trump – the first world leader to see the new President before he was shot, had a heart attack or declared America bankrupt. She even beat Benjamin Netanyahu to the punch.

‘I’ll be there on Friday,’ said Netanyahu on the phone, barely able to contain his excitement about the new appointment. ‘We can plan out your goal of eradicating the world of all Muslims’.

‘Just extreme Muslims,’ said Trump, not wanting to push too hard in his early days in office. ‘But I might have to reschedule. I’ve got this broad coming over from the UK. What’s her name again”.

“Theresa May.”

“I’m hoping she will. That’s why she’s got the invite”.

Trump sensed the disappointment, but Netanyahu understood the new President’s priorities. If he was going to be the most powerful man in the universe, he might as well enjoy it.

The British Prime Minister had been excited at meeting the new man in the White House. The timing couldn’t be more perfect – the airline staff were working and the trip gave her a few days to avoid pretending she had a plan for Brexit.

On arrival at the White House – whiter than before having been repainted in a shiny, non-drip gloss – she was rushed into the Oval Office, now resplendent with gold trim. The Resolute Desk, a gift from Queen Victoria, had been replaced with a glass one.

“I like to see what I’m doing,” said Trump. He followed her gaze around the room. “As you can see, I’ve pimped the place up a bit. Apparently, the building has a heritage order on it, but I sacked that department.” 

When May agreed to wear her brown leather trousers, she hadn’t expected to see Trump wearing exactly the same pair.

“Feel great don’t they,” said Trump. “Here, have a feel and see what I mean”.

The Prime Minister acted a little coy, which the President liked. He loved it when they played hard to get.

Trump stretched back on his chair, his Presidential credentials before him.

“Let’s talk business,” he said. She could see he was getting hard already.

“We need to work together on defence”. Harder still.

“Great idea,” she said, pleased that the conversation had moved on from an uncomfortable moment.

“I’d like to use your country as target practice.”

She wasn’t too sure about this idea. It would be hard to sell to the people of Britain, but she didn’t want to upset the most powerful man in the world after Rupert Murdoch, Vladamir Putin and Mark Zuckerberg.

“I thought we could start by aiming at those offshore wind farms”.

May didn’t refuse straight away. She had that characteristic British subservience Trump had witnessed with Michael Gove a week earlier.

But she plucked up the courage to negotiate, a little. “What can you offer us in return,” she asked, timedly. 

“Well, who’s that funny guy you have. Speaks no sense, but makes me laugh.

“Nigel Farage, Jeremy Corbyn, Michael Gove,” rattled off the Prime Minister. “Jeremy Hunt, Chris Grayling, Philip Hammond?”.

 Trumps face was blank.

“Boris Johnson?” Obviously.

“I can get him a gig doing Late Night Live. At least when Colbert’s away. And you can have that idiot Alec Baldwin. How about that for a trade deal?”

May had been hoping for more – something to compensate for the £220 billion she’d written off in trade with Europe. New Zealand had offered her discount woolly jumpers if she helped rig the Americas Cup. She needed more, much more, from America.

Clearly, it wasn’t going to happen today. It was almost time to wrap up.

“Before you go, I need to take a pee.”

She expected him to leave the room. Instead he started to unbuckle his brown leather trousers.

 “Where shall we do this?” said Trump. 

“But I thought you were a Germaphobe,” May protested.

 ‘Yes. I hate the Germans. Now let’s get started”. 

Trump could see the look of horror on the PM’s face. “Really, this is the only reason I came to you first. I’m not going through this with Benjamin. I have a special place for you. I thought you understood that. America first and you are my number two”.

Theresa closed her eyes and thought of Britain. Trump meanwhile, thought to himself, ‘East or west, you Europeans are all the same.’ 

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